130 Funny Good Morning Quotes to Start Your Day with Hilarious

““I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.” – Benjamin Franklin”

““Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.” – Glen Cook”

““In the morning, I woke like a sloth in the fog.” – Leslie Connor”

““I yawned and stretched luxuriously in the morning. I make noises when I stretch because it feels ten times better than stretching silently.” – Kevin Hearne”

““The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.” – Dorothy Parker”

““One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.” – Groucho Marx”

““I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.” – James Lileks”

““I hate when I dream of alarm clocks going off.” – Jarod Kintz”

““Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.” – James Marsden”

““Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.” – Tony Smite”

““Birds scream at the top of their lungs in horrified hellish rage every morning at daybreak to warn us all of the truth, but sadly we don’t speak bird.” – Kurt Cobain”

““Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.” – Punit Ghadge”

““It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning.” – H.G. Wells”

““Love is blind. Especially in the morning, because I can’t see a damn thing before having coffee.” – Aleksandra Ninkovic”

““I want to live my life in such a way that when I get out of bed in the morning, the devil says, ‘aw s*, he’s up!'” – Steve Maraboli”

““Morning will come, it has no choice.” – Marty Rubin”

““Good morning is a contradiction of terms.” – Jim Davis”

““Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.” – Marlo Thomas”

““I hate mornings, they start so early.” – Janet Evanovich”

““To greet a lovely morning, we must leave the night behind.” – Tarang Sinha”

““I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee.” – Terri Guillemets”

““Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all.” – David Lynch”

““A morning coffee is my favorite way of starting the day, settling the nerves so that they don’t later fray.” – Marcia Carrington”

““I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.” – Lewis Black”

““I never laugh until I’ve had my coffee.” – Clarke Gable”

““There’s nothing sweeter than a cup of bitter coffee.” – Rita Aditia”

““Behind every successful woman is a substantial amount of coffee.” – Stephanie Piro”

““I believe humans get a lot done, not because we’re smart, but because we have thumbs so we can make coffee.” – Flash Rosenberg”

““To me, the smell of fresh-made coffee is one of the greatest inventions.” – Hugh Jackman”

““Coffee is a kind of magic you can drink.” – Catherynne M. Valente”

““I like my coffee black and my mornings bright.” – Terri Guillemets”

““Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness.” – Nanea Hoffman”

““What do sharks do on Monday mornings? They get up and start biting. That’s me.” – Gemma Collins”

““Sunrise is starting to feel like a guilt trip.” – Kris Kidd”

““There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.” – Mindy Kaling”

““I put my phone as far across the room as possible the night before to force me out of bed when the alarm goes off.” – Josh Gross”

““When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.” – Crystal Woods”

““Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield.” – Catherynne Valente”

““Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.” – Terry Pratchett”

““My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door.” – Willie Geist”

““It’s a gray morning. A roll-over-and-snuggle-deeper-in-the-covers morning.” – Kate Messner”

““Every morning you have two choices: continue to sleep with your dreams or wake up with morning breath.” – Bob Simmons”

““Some mornings I just feel like breaking the damn alarm but then one thing always stops me. I paid hundreds of dollars to buy my phone.” – Job Might”

““I love to watch cities wake up, and Paris wakes up more abruptly, more startlingly, than any place I know.” – Bill Bryson”

““The sun rises before I do, but I break even by retiring after it does.” – Jules Rena”

““Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?” – Jeanette Winterson”

““When I wake up in the morning, I feel like a billionaire without paying taxes.” – Ernie Banks”

““If it’s your job to eat a frog, it’s best to do it first thing in the morning.” – Mark Twain”

““The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.” – Jean Kerr”

““The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” – Robert Frost”

““Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.” – Robert Heinlein”

““A person who has not done one-half his day’s work by ten o’clock, runs a chance of leaving the other half undone.” – Emily Brontë”

““Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben”

““Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it.” – Richard Whately”

““I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” – Jerome K. Jerome”

““The only good Monday is a Monday in bed.” – Lee Horton”

““When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.” – Ella Woodward”

““Monday isn’t that bad to be honest. What makes it bad is living in it.” – Day”

““The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you’re on the job.” – Slappy White”

““So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends – but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.” – Julio Alexi Genao”

““The best weeks start on Monday. The worst ones too.” – Unknown”

““I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” – Henny Youngman”

““If each day is a gift, I’d like to know where to return Mondays!” – John Wagner”

““This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.” – Lisa Mantchev”

““I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” – Charles Lamb”

““No one likes Tuesday morning but at least it’s not Monday morning.” – Bev Johnston”

““Meetings: None of us is as dumb as all of us.” – Dave Barry”

““I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world.” – E. B. White”

““Work is the greatest thing in the world. So we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” – Don Herold”

““True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.” – Kurt Vonnegut”

““Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.” – Mae West”

““If you even dream of beating me you’d better wake up and apologize.” – Muhammad Ali”

““Some mornings I wake up grumpy. And some mornings I just let her sleep.” – Unknown”

““Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.” – Jules Renard”

““I would rather wake up in the middle of nowhere than in any city on earth.” – Steve McQueen”

““I wake up laughing. Yes, I wake up in the morning and there I am just laughing my head off.” – Bruce Willis”

““If you must have motivation, think of your paycheck on Friday.” – Noel Coward”

““Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.” – Thomas Dewar”

““Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.” – Oscar Wilde”

““Time flows in a strange way on Sundays.” – Haruki Murakami”

““Good morning Sunday, wish it was Saturday.” – Bev Johnston”

““The goal of Sunday is to leave my home as little as possible.” – Mark Morris”

““Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” – Will Ferrell”

““You know what Sunday is, and it’s a day with a lot of potential for naps.” – Polly Horvath”

““SUNDAY – The day I planned a lot but did nothing.” – Lovely Goyal”

““My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.” – Ray Romano”

““Sundays tend to be a day where just I do nothing but visit people. It’s kind of like trick-or-treating.” – Chuck Palahniuk”

““I promise to always cop a feel when you’re trying to get ready in the morning.” – Upton O. Goode”

““Good Morning! It’s Monday, don’t forget to be awesome, or at least OK.” – Sandra Shea”

““What irritates me most of all about these morning people is their horribly good temper, as if they have been up for three hours and already conquered France.” – Timur Vermes”

““I wish I had a brush that could paint the whole sky and turn every morning into night.” – Akshay Vasu”

““There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.” – Kristen Chandler”

““I’m sorry for people who don’t drink. They wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.” – Frank Sinatra”

““Every single day I wake up and make up my mind that I am going to work really hard. Then my mind laughs at me and says ‘Good joke.’ Then we laugh for some more time and I go back to bed.” – Gehenna Toss”

““There is nowhere morning does not go.” – Leah Hager Cohen”

““Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?” – J.R.R. Tolkien”

““Sometimes I wake up and think I should start wearing a beret, but I don’t do it.” – Mitch Hedburg”

““So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.” – Moss Hart”

““Mornings are almost clean slates. I say almost because the residue of yesterdays is sometimes stuck on them.” – Medeia Sharif”

““I have always disliked the morning, it is too responsible a time, with the daylight demanding that it be ‘faced’ and (usually when I wake for I wake late) with the sun already up and in charge of the world, with little hope of anyone usurping or challenging its authority.” – Janet Frame”

““Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.” – Mickey Nice”

““There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, ‘Good morning, God,’ and the other is to say, ‘Good God, morning’!” – Fulton J. Sheen”

““Lena’s hair was sticking out in about fifteen directions, and her eyes were all small and puffy from crying. So this was what girls looked like in the morning. I had never seen one, not up close.” – Kami Garcia”

““One of the few times in a man’s life when he is not full of s*? The morning of a colonoscopy. Enough said!” – Jim Lawrence”

““Be happy. It really annoys negative people.” – Ricky Gervais”

““Everyone should experience a sunrise at least once a day.” – Phil Dunphy”

““A day without laughter is a day wasted.” – Charlie Chaplin”

““A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.” – Denis Waitley”

““Mornings are pure evil from the pits of hell, which is why I don’t do them anymore.” – Rachel Caine”

““Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious.” – William Feather”

““In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson”

““I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn’t like it.” – Sam Goldwyn”

““You feel a little older in the morning. By noon I feel about 55.” – Bob Dole”

““Dawn and its excesses always reminded me of heaven, a place where I have always known I would not be comfortable.” – Marilynne Robinson”

““Isn’t it weird how you can have an amazing weekend and still find yourself surrounded by the same wooden desks and wooden people come Monday morning?” – Crystal Cestari”

““I’m not an early bird at all. Ideally, on Saturday morning I’d allow myself a lovely lie-in. 10:45 would be just right.” – Shilpa Shetty”

““I hate Sundays because they give birth to Mondays.” – Chris Southwave”

““Although I understand that all days are equal with 24 hours each, most of us agree that Friday is the longest day of the week and Sunday the shortest!” – Mixell”

““You knows dat in New Orleans is not morning ’til dee sun come up.” – Tom Robbins”

““It is only in the morning that one should marry, read unfavorable reviews, make one’s will, beat one’s servants, and so forth.” – E.T.A. Hoffmann”

““I feel as though whenever I create something, my Mr. Hyde wakes up in the middle of the night and starts thrashing it. I sometimes love it the next morning, but other times it is an abomination.” – Criss Jami”

““Life kisses our faces every morning. Yet, between morning and evening, she laughs at our sorrows.” – Kahlil Gibran”